Hopelessly Clueless
by Midnight Soliloquy
Summary: Chopsticks, ink, drool, questions, and of course, booze. Hilarity ensues as Yomi attempts and fails miserably to tell a clueless silver fox how he feels. Formerly known as Heist.
1. Heist

**A/N:** Spice here, but Missy and I wrote this together for yet another creative writing assignment. It was supposed to be eloquent and tragic, but things went downhill as soon as Yomi poked himself in the eye. xD Edit: Fixed some random typos. I should pay more attention when I type. O.o

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"I have a new heist. It's a real prize this time," he said with a smirk. _Is it your favorite prize? More hearts?_ He was so excited that he was wriggling around in his chair like a puppy, ears pricked and tail twitching. It must be something good.

"Oh?" I asked keeping my face deadpan. My eyes never left his face as I attempted to continue eating. Instead I ended up poking myself in the eye with a chopstick. If he noticed, he didn't let on.

"Yeah! This one will be a real challenge to steal, it's pretty heavily guarded." He was still squirming around in his seat, his eyes alight with childish glee at the promise of an intense adrenaline rush. _A challenge? For you? How could anything be a challenge for the man who can get by the guards of anyone's heart with nothing but a smile?_

"Hmm…" I feigned interest, but had stopped listening almost the instant he opened his mouth. Because even more powerful than his smile is his body. At the sight of him, people have been known to stop in their tracks and stare, only to be snapped out of their reverie by the sound of their drool hitting the floor.

"…have to plan carefully. I'm expecting several traps along the way, but I can take them. I've never met a snare I couldn't handle."

_Of course he's never met a snare he couldn't handle, for he knows their inner workings like no other, because he possesses the deadliest trap of all. Narrow, slanted eyes of liquid amber that ensnare any unsuspecting victims that have the misfortune of crossing his path._

"They don't call me the King of Thieves for nothing," he boasted. _If there's one thing I've learned from being around him, other than…well, heh, let's just say make sure the door is locked, it's that it's okay to brag if you're really that awesome. He's definitely that awesome. Stealing countless treasures, souls, lives, and…other things not suited for polite company have earned him the right to that title._ I was suddenly aware of a peculiar dripping noise, and he must have noticed it too, because he turned his head sharply to give me a funny look, ears at half mast and hair whipping around his face a split second later. It created a beautifully dramatic picture, so romantic, so alluring… "Are you listening?" he demanded. My head snapped up, and water spattered the table. Oh. Shit. I was doing it again.

"Y-yeah, yeah." I stammered, wiping drool from my chin. His expression was bemused, a half-smile tweaked at pale lips, slim eyebrows arched questioningly.

"Then what did I just say?"

"…uhh," I replied like the genius I am.

"I thought so." His warm alto was rich with barely concealed laughter, ears and tail twitching as he tried to hide his amusement. My face grew warm as I stuttered some pathetic form of apology. He apparently took pity on my crimson cheeks and sighed good-naturedly.

"Oh, never mind. So, will you help me?" He shot me a dazzling grin.

"Of course."

I would do anything for that smile.

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**A/N:** Misao here. This ended up being a little… different than we intended but I think it was still pretty good. Let us know what you think. Oh, by the way if any of you got confused on how Yomi could see so well, this is pre-blind Yomi. That confused me for a second and I helped write it, lol.


	2. Tactics

"How exactly do I get inside?"  
"You've never done it this way, have you?"  
"N-not exactly…"  
"Well, then we'll have to be careful. It's going to be tight, especially the first time."  
"How tight, exactly?"  
"Let's just say I've got a big-"  
"I get the idea."  
"Don't worry, it shouldn't hurt unless you get caught."  
"C-caught?"  
"Oh, I'll get you unstuck. It wouldn't exactly be fun for me either, you know. I'll get you out, but we might end up in a bit of a sticky situation."

Akiyama was walking, quite innocently, past the tent of his two superiors. The scaled youkai half-listened to their conversation as he strolled by, but two or three paces away he comprehended the meaning of the snippet he had heard and stumbled back to press his pointed ear to the canvas.

"Once you get in there you'll have to stay on top of things. Constant motion is the key. Just keep moving and you should be fine."  
"Could you tell me again? I'm really not sure what I'm doing."  
"Here, let me _show_ you. Once you're inside hit this spot. Hit it repeatedly until you penetrate that barrier."

A thin stream of drool had found its way from Akiyama's open mouth to the ground.  
"What are you doing, Aki-san you dolt, standing there and drooling like an idiot?!"  
"Shhhh!" Akiyama turned with a glare, spraying spittle all over his companion, a short and sinewy female earth youkai. "Azarni, you gotta hear this!" Akiyama hissed excitedly. Azarni narrowed her eyes suspiciously, and then crept up to the tent. Her eyes widened. "Holy shit!"

"There will probably be some screaming, but that's completely normal. Just make sure it's not too loud, or someone will notice."

Almost half the camp had gathered at the tent of their leader and his second. It was mostly silent, save for a few hushed comments.  
"Who is that?"  
"Sounds like Yomi-san."  
"He's been trying to seduce Youko for years!"  
"Damn, I bet it's hot."  
"D'ya think Youko'll kill 'im?"  
"Shaddup!"

"Once you've finished up there, don't be afraid to slide into another position. I'm creative, I'll be able to figure it out."  
"Is there a certain pace…?"  
"Well, this is the first time, so take your time and enjoy yourself. I'll come a bit faster, since I'm more experienced."

"Did he just say…?" Akiyama asked poking his companion in the side.  
"Shhh!" Azarni ordered slapping his hand away.

"Don't touch that— YOMI!"  
"A-ahh YOUKO!"

Many of the thieves' eyes glazed over in some sick fantasy or another at the shouts filling the air, but a lean wind apparition strode past them all without a second glance.  
"Youko, Yomi, Raidon reporting." He threw open the tent flap, ignoring the choked sobs of 'Nooooooo…" coming from the demons strewn about on the ground in puddles of drool. Both the King of Thieves and his second in command were hunched over a small table, a map spilling off its sides. Youko was bending Yomi's wrist back at an unnatural angle, and near the horned demon's hand, a bottle of ink was emptying in contents over the map. Two heads snapped up. "WHAT?!" Outside, there was a muffled thud as nearly all the assembled youkai anime fell in incredible synchrony.

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**A/N:** Oh the insanity! Oh the hilarity! Oh the homophones! xD Spice here. Misao wrote most of the dialogue and I wrote most of the rest. This is Misao speaking. There will be more chapters added to this if you liked it. And if you liked it you'll review because we won't add the next chapter until we get five reviews, MWAHAHA! -cough- Okay, I'm over that now... -gasp of horror from Spices- Misao! You're so mean to them! Be nice or they'll run away!


End file.
